Reflections on Valentine’s Day
Pastel hearts
Oh, how much I missed my Valentine! After 20 years of being together and a lot of hard work on our relationship, my spouse Rachel (they/them) and I joked that ‘it was finally getting really good’. We hoped for 40 years more. Unfortunately, due to a cancer diagnosis, that was not meant to be. And I know we’re not alone. I’m keenly aware that millions of people lost loved ones during the pandemic, many of whom passed away in their prime.
Beautiful Memories
As I reflected upon our relationship on Valentine’s Day, I found it surprising that what I missed most were not the big celebrations, but the little moments, the daily interactions that came together to form our beautiful life as a couple. The sweetest times were those when we were together in the same room, not even talking, but ‘existing’ in this warm, peaceful place. Or the times on our weekend strolls when Rachel told me, in their gorgeous British accent, that ‘bimbling with you around the neighborhood’, was their version of bliss.
I even miss our arguments. On many occasions, we had a difficult time going to sleep at our ideal time, 10pm, and would bicker about whose fault it was that our actual bedtime turned out to be closer to 11pm. Then, when one of us would go away on a trip and the other would stay up late, words were said to the effect, ‘you see, it’s all YOUR fault’. Of course, we eventually laughed about it, realizing this wasn’t an issue worth fighting about.
As my first Valentine’s Day as a widow rolled around, I distracted myself with anything I could to numb the excruciating pain of my loss. It wasn’t long before I realized that there wasn’t enough food, alcohol, driving or distance walking that I could do to escape the pain. As Mary-Frances O’Connor, PhD writes in her wonderful book, The Grieving Brain (2022, p.169), “if you avoid painful feelings by avoiding awareness of what is going on around you, what you end up with is being unaware of what is going on around you. Ignoring the present makes it difficult to learn what works in the new ways you are living your life. On the other hand, when you are present in the moment, the dopamine, opioid, and oxytocin feedback help you move toward a meaningful life.” These hormones help us stay motivated, feel connected to others and naturally decrease pain.
Showing Up for the Challenge
Staying present and learning to adjust through stressful times can feel difficult, almost impossible. And so much of this experience for me has been about learning, e.g., what it means to be a widow, how to reconstruct my social life, or how to handle the loneliness, especially as the evening approaches. What I relied on is compassion for myself and comfort in the knowledge that I’ll be able to make the appropriate changes once I’m ready. I also hold on to the idea that the depth of my grief is an expression of my love for Rachel, rather than a personal failure.
As I tried to get accustomed to a new reality, natural therapies helped me smooth out the extreme highs and lows of a stressful transition. I utilized several of my go-to herbs to help me face the grieving process without suppressing or numbing the pain. Depending on a person’s individual needs, I often combine these with adaptogens such as Ashwagandha, American ginseng, Schisandra or Rhodiola to support the stress response. I may include heart tonics such as Hawthorne for any cardiovascular issues. Some of these, such as St. John’s Wort, can interact with medication, so please check with your doctor before making any changes to your health regimen.
Melissa officinalis (Lemon Balm)
St. John’s Wort
Kava kava
Passionflower
California poppy
Scutellaria
Holy Basil (Tulsi)
Chamomile
B Vitamins
Fish oil
When skillfully used in combination, these herbs calm the nervous system, help neurons regenerate, and support the digestive tract, where 70-90% of your neurotransmitters are made. Adequate amounts of B vitamins and Omega-3 oils provide the nutrients necessary for optimal brain function. I’ve seen better clinical results when I use a multi-system approach to helping people with issues such as ADD/ADHD, burnout, insomnia, anxiety, or depression, supporting both the GI and the nervous systems simultaneously.
The Heart Has a Mind of Its Own
Given the recent occasion, I wanted to say a few more words about oxytocin, also known as the love hormone. Emerging research from the University of Montréal, Canada demonstrated that the heart could secrete this hormone, as well as others, independently of the brain, where it is typically found. The idea that our heart has a direct role in helping us form a loving connection is something that we already express in our cultural wisdom, e.g., “I hold you in my heart” or “you will always have my heart”. I look forward to seeing more research studies on the heart-brain connection. As this knowledge is developing, I’m also reminded of the importance of a holistic, multi-system approach to healing. Just as the brain-gut connection is now becoming established, we’re now beginning to see that there’s a brain-heart connection as well.
Final Reflections
On special days like Valentine’s, I try to remember how lucky I was that I found this beautiful human to love. It’s not a thought that I can always access, but as the months pass by, it becomes easier to focus on it. As I loved, my capacity to love grew. And that is a beautiful gift which will help me move forward on any Valentine’s Day.
A Little About Me
I have 15+ years of training and experience in naturopathic medicine. Since they are closely related, much of my work focuses on the intersection between hormonal, gut, brain, and immune health and the effect stress can have on these systems. I frequently help folks impacted by adrenal dysregulation (stress/burnout), irritable bowel syndrome, food intolerances, metabolic syndrome, perimenopause, and menopause.
If you’d like additional support to help you achieve your health goals and address your specific health issues, contact me to schedule a free 20-minute consultation. If you enjoyed this post, please send me a message through my Contact page letting me know you’d like to be informed of future posts. Quick disclaimer — this information comes from my personal and clinical experience and should not be taken as medical advice. Please speak to your doctor before making any changes regarding your health.